How to set boundaries with yourself for better wellbeing
In this blog I talk about what boundaries are and the importance of setting them with yourself to improve your wellbeing and feel more fulfilled.
You may have heard a lot of talk about boundaries and how important it is to set them, or you might not have heard much about the topic at all…
Boundaries are the limits we set with other people and ourselves to make sure we get our needs met. It is the clear communication of your needs for your wellbeing, so you can live your life within your values. People who are new to setting boundaries may think it seems selfish at first, which is quite normal when it’s a new concept. However, boundaries are really just a great way to protect your energy and get what you need, so you can live life your way.
There’s a lot of discussion around how to set boundaries with other people. This is crucial. However, if you’re someone who struggles to set boundaries with others, you might struggle to set them with yourself too.
Do you set boundaries with yourself, or do you let yourself get caught up in habits and behaviours that you know are not serving you?
Boundaries are a form of self-care, and making sure we’re putting ourselves first. This is not selfish, it’s necessary. When you become aware of the areas in which you need to start putting some boundaries in place and actually do it, you’re improving self-awareness of what you need and the ability to give yourself that. You will feel all round better, knowing that you are taking responsibility for your life. You are responsible for change in your own life, nobody else.
Are you at cause or effect?
Being at cause is when you take personal responsibility for your life. Of course, you can’t control things outside of yourself (i.e. other people), but you can take responsibility for your own actions and reactions and let go of what you can’t control. When you’re at cause, you know you can choose to change things if you want to.
Being at effect is when you feel like things happen TO you and you can’t do anything about it, you may blame everything and everyone except yourself for things happening in your life and give reasons and excuses as to why you ‘can’t’. People who are at effect are unlikely to take action to make the changes they desire and are usually not aware of being in this state.
Taking personal responsibility is knowing that you are in control of your own outcomes. Are you doing this or do you find yourself coming up with reasons? Some common excuses are things such as ‘I don’t have time’ and ‘I’m too busy’.
Whenever you’re giving a reason as to why you can’t do something - take notice of what you’re telling yourself, ask yourself if you really believe it, and why? Is this a real reason, or are you making excuses? There may be some secondary gain here.
Secondary gain is a subconscious reason for not changing. Secondary gain is when you get a greater benefit from the problem existing, than the benefit of removing the problem. For example, the attention that someone gets from having a certain problem is subconsciously more beneficial to them and seems simpler than doing whatever is required to get rid of it. This is an unconscious process - people don’t consciously think that they want to have the problem, but subconsciously they get secondary gain from it. This is why a lot of people end up living their life in this state.
If you’re reading this and it resonates, you may need to change your approach to be more flexible. You are in charge of your results! It’s an empowering realisation to know you can take responsibility for your life.
What boundaries do you need to set with yourself?
So what are the personal boundaries you need to set in your life to make sure you’re getting the results you want to get? Here is an exercise you can try to start setting better boundaries with yourself…
Ask yourself: Where am I leaking my energy? Where can I set boundaries with myself? How can I remove energy takers and add energy givers? Try journaling on these questions to get yourself thinking and see what comes up.
Start by making a list of the activities you do every day - include everything in this list. Then look at the list and highlight the activities that have a big impact or positive influence in your life. Understand what activities you are doing that are really impactful for you, taking into consideration your overall life goals and values. Then look at those which have little or negative impact in your life.
You can start working towards removing the things that are unnecessary and have little impact in your life. Some examples could be removing distractions or spending less time on your phone. It could be that some of the things with little impact are things you still need to do, but you need to manage your time better - so what actions can you take to do this?
This is a great exercise for if you feel like you’re ‘too busy’ or are making excuses for why you can’t do the things you want to do. You can work out where to spread your time and where to be focusing your energy.
Signs you need to set some boundaries with yourself
You might be reading this and know for a fact you need to set some boundaries with yourself. Or you may be reading it and still feeling unsure about whether this is something you could benefit from. Some signs that you might need to set some boundaries with yourself are:
You feel overwhelmed all the time by everything you need to do
You scroll on your phone a lot out of habit or as a distraction
You are always tired or stressed out
You feel completely burnt out
You feel frustrated or angry a lot of the time
You feel like you have no control in your life
You plan on doing things that are beneficial to you then don’t end up doing them
You always have ‘too much’ going on
There are many other signs that might be showing up for you. Overall, it may be a general feeling of not being in control of your life and feeling dissatisfied.
Examples of boundaries
Below are some examples of boundaries that might give you some ideas. Although it is completely different for everyone, so go with what you know will work for you…
Limit your screen time on your phone. You can create settings to remind you of this. This could either look like limiting the amount of time you spend on social media each day, or not allowing yourself on your phone for the first hour and last hour of every day. Why not try both of these?
Going to bed earlier and reading a book before bed or doing a meditation
Creating a morning ritual to start your day in the best possible mindset. You could include some journaling or meditation in this morning ritual
Not working past a certain times or on weekends
Creating space and time to prioritise rest or your hobbies
Remember, what you put in you will get out. Learn to understand yourself and what makes you feel good. How do you want to feel every day? What can you do in order to feel that way?
Start small and take actions that are manageable to you, then you can build on these gradually once you build up the habits. Be kind to yourself when you’re making these changes! Often, our habits and behaviours have been with us for a long time, so it’s normal to occasionally slip back into old habits and it’s useful to meet yourself where you’re at and be compassionate.
Check in with yourself regularly and celebrate the small wins.
Did you find this post useful? Send me an email and let me know about the boundaries you decided to set with yourself!
If you feel like you need further support to set better boundaries with yourself and create new habits, I can work with you to uncover the stories and beliefs that are holding you back so you can let them go and move forward. I have various offers to suit different needs.
Are you ready to make these changes? Book a free discovery call with me today to see if we’re a good fit. In this 30 minute discovery call we’ll talk about where you’re at right now and the challenges you’re facing, and some ways in which you can work through these challenges. There is no obligation to book any life coaching sessions with me after this call, and it is just a chat for us both to get to know each other.